December 8

Herb and the Giant Joy

22  comments

It has been said that Comparison is the ultimate thief of joy. If you want something special and beautiful to lose its shine, the best thing you can do is compare it to something else.

Recently in a session it came up about how a local sports legend from here in Chicago Land was once a rather high stakes gambler of sorts. He would frequent the casinos and make enormous wagers on craps and black jack. As I recall and “Old Lore” story from one of his casino visits, Someone once asked him “Why do you place such huge bets?” referring to a 25,000$ per hand visit to the black jack table. To which he replied, “I have been on the biggest stages, in the most clutch moments, I have hit game winning shots in the finals, and taken home tons of hardware. I place this size of wagers, because 1: I can afford to, and 2: because the high stakes are what it takes to give me that rush, the higher the stakes, the higher the rush. Its what gets my heart racing.”

The chase. The rush. The pursuit. The comparison. Always looking for something bigger and better, always comparing the size of our potential rake, against the size and shape of our current bank roll. The higher the stakes, the bigger the potential rake, or loss. If we’re sitting on Billions of Dollars, then perhaps it does take such massive bets at a craps table to get the same rush as us commoners receive when we place a 10$ chip down on the circle, hoping to net a 9-to-1 take on that “Plus three”.

But anyways, the above is just a bit of an illustration that I think we can all relate to. We humans tend to become enamored in a multitude of ways, with the newest pickup trucks, or getting our new set of acrylics done, new tattoos, new IPhones, new things, new experiences, or perhaps upgrades or remodels of existing things that we love- a new back splash in our kitchen. Or a new stove, or a new washer and dryer. Sure, ours works just fine, and it fills the need that we have, but that new one, oh boy, that one would be so much better, wouldn’t it? We tend to compare. We compare our lives with the hand picked and often filtered photos of someone else’s life on social media, either for the better or for the worse. We compare out neighborhoods with those getting shot up on the news. We compare our kids, our jobs, we compare moments we have experienced against each other, like “oh this vacation was really fun, but that other one…Man that one was the best.” Sometimes it seems like information is coming at us so fast, that we cant help but process, compare, and digest it at such a basic and primitive level. Compare, judge, keep scrolling. Style over Substance. And that’s the opposite, I think, of the way things should be.

For me, I have personally experienced this, and it has become a bit of an obstacle. I often times feel bored, because were not constantly engaging in something stimulating FOR ME. I find myself comparing a Monday to a Thursday, because this day was “great” and this day was “bad”. Or I have found myself from time to time, doing something which has proven to be particularly damaging to myself and my family and life: Comparing my own Joys against each other.

I suppose, that even though I have stopped shooting dope, and smoking crack; and moved on to become a Family Man, and a successful writer, business owner, husband and father, I have still very much so been exhibiting addict traits and behaviors. I suppose that maybe, I become enthralled with: Volunteering, being successful, being needed, work, church, image, money, coaching, owning a home, writing, speaking, and all of the stuff that has come my way at a blinding pace over the last several years, that I lost myself. First of all, I was very much ill equipped for all of this success, and family, and emotions, and coping, and stress, and etc that came my way- on just the basic mature human levels. I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for being a step dad, or a dad to my Bio Son, Luke. I was not mentally or emotionally mature enough to handle a marriage, buying a home, starting a company, doing a fucking TEDX talk, or any of the 1,000’s of things that have come along. I have very much just been flying by the seat of my pants for a long time, and relying on my moral compass to get me through. “Just be a good person, and do the best you can. Say yes to new challenges, and help people along the way.” Was pretty much my motto up until recently. And it ate me alive. The stresses that came along with it have probably take about ten years off of my life, and have damaged some pretty damn important relationships. Not broken, but damaged. But the equally damaging flip side to it all, is the more I did, the more I said yes to, the more I put on my plate, and the more plates I stacked on to the sticks- Like the Unicycle Guy in the Circus- balancing all the spinning plates up in the air. The more families I helped, the more volunteering I did, the more the Adulation and Praise would come, the more I felt needed, the more the Dopamine flowed, the more cherished and value I felt- in the “wrong places”. Couple that with all the other stresses and shit that were coming and it was like a massive avalanche just waiting to Fall. To smother me. To come crashing down.

Psychobabble, I know. But there’s a point here, and it’s coming.

You see, The “basic” and “status quo”, the seemingly mundane joys, that are hidden in plain sight- a meal with our children and wives. A car ride to the car wash and ice cream parlor, Haircuts, dog walks. Playing catch with the boys, or taking the daughter driving for her license- these are the big joys. The moments and the milestones that matter the most. These are the cups that deserve to be the fullest. Not our jobs, not our status, not our labels, or our bank accounts.

Perhaps I’m an “emotional addict” too, if that makes sense. Or maybe all the crack smoke and injected Heroin has just done irreversible damage to my brain chemistry and I’m left always chasing that massive flood of dopamine, that can only be obtained by bigger and deeper emotional booms. Maybe I’m just an emotional person, who’s always thought that if it wasn’t that “Bottom of the 9th, 2 out bases loaded, down by three, game seven of the World Series, and I’m up at bat to Save the day- and Bust one deep over the right field fence to walk it off and win the series” Type of joy, then it wasn’t “real” at all. And that’s all stinking thinking. The fact of the matter is, that it doesn’t have to be “Giant” to be a joy. In fact, its the simple, its the moments where we can just breathe and take it all in, when we can notice the fall colors change, when we can just sit and enjoy a very uneventful meal with our families that are the “big” joys. The “Ho-Hums” the everyday, the moment to moment stuff, that’s important. If “Giant” joys come along, that’s cool, those are good too. But it doesn’t have to be monumental to be real. It doesn’t have to be compared to be special. It doesn’t have to have some deep and special and mystic meaning to have any meaning at all. Sometimes, its just a drive down the road, listening to your kids talk about whatever the fuck is important to them. Sometimes, its not hearing or saying anything at all, and just breathing, and having the privilege of being alive.

There is no external remedy to an internal conflict.

Not stuff. Not other people. Not chemicals. Not Money. Not status.

Sometimes, we just have to take a moment for ourselves, and breathe, and enjoy being present.

This is Psychobabble.


Tags

#mentalhealth #trauma #addiction #help #intervention, #Treatment


You may also like

Turd Polish

Rumination

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked

  1. I definitely wanted to compose a simple word to be able to appreciate you for some of the splendid items you are showing at this site. My time-consuming internet look up has at the end been paid with wonderful suggestions to talk about with my family members. I would assert that many of us site visitors actually are unquestionably lucky to exist in a wonderful place with so many outstanding individuals with beneficial tips and hints. I feel rather happy to have used your entire website page and look forward to plenty of more pleasurable moments reading here. Thanks a lot again for all the details.

  2. I actually wanted to write down a remark so as to appreciate you for all of the awesome facts you are giving at this site. My time consuming internet look up has at the end of the day been honored with extremely good know-how to go over with my close friends. I ‘d mention that most of us website visitors actually are quite lucky to exist in a perfect place with many special individuals with very helpful guidelines. I feel really lucky to have encountered your website and look forward to some more enjoyable times reading here. Thank you again for all the details.

  3. I just wanted to post a remark to thank you for all the splendid suggestions you are sharing here. My extensive internet search has now been rewarded with beneficial knowledge to exchange with my companions. I ‘d admit that we site visitors are truly fortunate to live in a remarkable site with so many lovely people with beneficial opinions. I feel very much happy to have seen your site and look forward to tons of more fabulous minutes reading here. Thanks once more for a lot of things.

  4. I definitely wanted to make a quick remark in order to express gratitude to you for these nice suggestions you are posting here. My extensive internet look up has finally been honored with beneficial ideas to write about with my close friends. I would state that that most of us website visitors are very endowed to be in a fabulous site with very many outstanding individuals with very helpful guidelines. I feel really privileged to have encountered your website and look forward to plenty of more brilliant moments reading here. Thank you once more for everything.

  5. I in addition to my pals were digesting the good tips found on your web site then unexpectedly I had an awful suspicion I had not thanked the website owner for those strategies. All the people are already totally joyful to study them and have actually been taking advantage of those things. Many thanks for genuinely quite helpful and also for having varieties of helpful guides most people are really eager to know about. My personal sincere regret for not expressing appreciation to sooner.

  6. I am writing to let you understand what a impressive encounter my wife’s child went through reading the blog. She realized such a lot of issues, with the inclusion of what it’s like to possess an ideal giving nature to have the others effortlessly fully grasp selected grueling topics. You truly did more than my expectations. I appreciate you for delivering those helpful, trustworthy, explanatory as well as unique guidance on that topic to Emily.

  7. My husband and i felt quite contented Raymond managed to conclude his studies by way of the ideas he was given through your site. It’s not at all simplistic to just choose to be giving out things which others might have been making money from. And now we do know we need you to give thanks to because of that. Those illustrations you made, the simple site navigation, the friendships you can make it possible to foster – it is all astonishing, and it is helping our son in addition to us reckon that this idea is exciting, and that is wonderfully essential. Many thanks for all the pieces!

  8. Thank you for your entire labor on this blog. My mom takes pleasure in working on investigation and it’s simple to grasp why. My partner and i notice all relating to the dynamic method you provide efficient tips and hints via your web site and as well recommend response from website visitors about this point and my child is really understanding a great deal. Take pleasure in the rest of the year. You’re the one doing a splendid job.

  9. I would like to show my appreciation to this writer just for rescuing me from this type of dilemma. As a result of researching through the internet and seeing tricks which were not pleasant, I figured my entire life was over. Being alive without the presence of strategies to the difficulties you’ve solved by means of your entire posting is a crucial case, and the kind that would have negatively damaged my entire career if I hadn’t noticed your web blog. That natural talent and kindness in handling all the stuff was priceless. I am not sure what I would’ve done if I hadn’t discovered such a stuff like this. I’m able to now look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot very much for your skilled and results-oriented guide. I won’t hesitate to endorse your web sites to anybody who needs guidance about this topic.

  10. Thanks for all of your hard work on this website. My niece delights in getting into internet research and it’s really simple to grasp why. A number of us learn all relating to the dynamic tactic you offer worthwhile solutions by means of your web site and as well as increase response from others on that subject matter then my daughter is really being taught a whole lot. Take pleasure in the remaining portion of the new year. You’re conducting a really good job.

  11. I in addition to my buddies were actually looking through the good helpful hints on your website and instantly came up with a terrible feeling I never thanked you for those techniques. Most of the boys became consequently very interested to read them and now have really been using these things. I appreciate you for really being really helpful as well as for making a decision on certain perfect issues millions of individuals are really needing to learn about. My personal honest regret for not expressing gratitude to you earlier.

  12. I and my friends ended up checking out the good tips found on your web site then before long I got a horrible suspicion I had not expressed respect to you for those strategies. The ladies appeared to be stimulated to study them and have now pretty much been tapping into these things. Thank you for turning out to be quite considerate as well as for obtaining varieties of excellent guides most people are really needing to understand about. Our honest apologies for not saying thanks to you earlier.

  13. Thanks for all your valuable hard work on this web site. Kim really loves getting into investigation and it’s simple to grasp why. A number of us notice all relating to the powerful medium you provide valuable secrets on the web site and even recommend response from some other people on that issue while my daughter is now learning so much. Take pleasure in the remaining portion of the new year. You’re the one doing a fabulous job.

  14. I enjoy you because of your entire labor on this blog. Kate really likes getting into investigation and it is obvious why. A lot of people hear all concerning the dynamic form you make insightful guidance on this web site and as well as invigorate contribution from people about this area of interest so our own daughter is certainly studying a whole lot. Take advantage of the remaining portion of the year. You are always doing a first class job.

  15. I would like to show some appreciation to this writer just for bailing me out of such a difficulty. Because of checking throughout the world wide web and getting views that were not helpful, I was thinking my entire life was gone. Living without the answers to the issues you’ve sorted out all through this guideline is a critical case, as well as the kind that could have in a wrong way affected my entire career if I had not come across the blog. Your own personal know-how and kindness in dealing with a lot of things was helpful. I don’t know what I would have done if I had not discovered such a stuff like this. I can at this point relish my future. Thanks a lot so much for the professional and amazing help. I won’t think twice to suggest your web sites to any person who desires counselling on this topic.

  16. A lot of thanks for your whole labor on this site. Debby enjoys setting aside time for internet research and it’s easy to see why. We all hear all about the dynamic means you render both useful and interesting items via the website and therefore strongly encourage contribution from other people on that topic and my child has always been learning a lot of things. Have fun with the remaining portion of the new year. You are conducting a remarkable job.

  17. I want to show my respect for your generosity giving support to those who need help on this one situation. Your very own dedication to getting the solution up and down was especially insightful and has surely allowed most people just like me to attain their endeavors. Your own useful help and advice denotes a great deal a person like me and even further to my office workers. Many thanks; from each one of us.

  18. I precisely wished to say thanks once more. I’m not certain the things that I could possibly have implemented without these tricks revealed by you directly on such concern. It had been a very terrifying concern in my view, but taking a look at the skilled manner you solved that took me to jump over gladness. Now i am happy for your service and in addition have high hopes you find out what an amazing job you are always providing instructing others through your web blog. I am certain you’ve never got to know all of us.

  19. I am glad for writing to let you be aware of of the fantastic encounter our child found using your web site. She even learned numerous things, which included what it is like to have an incredible helping spirit to get certain people completely completely grasp specified impossible issues. You undoubtedly surpassed our own expectations. I appreciate you for giving such valuable, healthy, edifying as well as easy tips on this topic to Mary.

  20. I wish to voice my admiration for your generosity for people that need help on this matter. Your personal dedication to passing the message all-around appears to be pretty good and has constantly allowed folks like me to get to their dreams. The helpful guide indicates a whole lot a person like me and even more to my peers. Many thanks; from everyone of us.

  21. I wanted to post you that little note just to thank you as before regarding the pleasing secrets you have contributed on this page. This has been quite unbelievably generous of people like you to convey openly what exactly some people could possibly have distributed for an e book to make some money for themselves, particularly considering that you could have tried it in the event you desired. These smart ideas additionally served to provide a great way to realize that some people have the identical dream just like mine to figure out great deal more in terms of this problem. I am sure there are several more pleasant moments up front for people who find out your blog.

  22. I simply needed to say thanks all over again. I’m not certain the things I would have taken care of in the absence of the creative ideas discussed by you directly on that subject matter. Entirely was the fearsome matter in my opinion, however , encountering your expert tactic you managed it forced me to cry for contentment. I am just thankful for this assistance and even have high hopes you recognize what a powerful job you’re undertaking training most people all through a web site. Probably you haven’t met any of us.

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

Subscribe to our newsletter now!