Sound of alarm breaks through my sleep.
Instantly, and concurrently to my becoming conscious, negative thoughts begin to swirl.
“Fuck.”
Turn alarm off.
Feet hit the floor. Deep breath in and out.
“Ugh. Okay let’s go. Let’s see what this day has in store for us.”
Walk downstairs. Take a piss. Start the coffee. Smoke a Cig.
Finish first Cig. Grab a cup of coffee. Return to garage. Smoke another one.
Fear hits. Money worries. Work stress. Check Facebook. Nothing good.
Check bank accounts. Not broke, yet.
Check emails. Back to social media.
Nothing to provide immediate dopamine.
Smoke cig.
Walk inside. Sit down. Turn on the T.V. Watch the news.
It’s all bad news. Murder. Rape. Carjackings. Bullshit Politics.
We’re all gonna die. We’re all fucked. This world is fucked.
Scroll on phone.
Scroll on phone.
scroll on phone.
Nothing to provide immediate dopamine.
Check Crypto. Still not millionaires.
“Not that it would make me happy anyways.”
Smoke a cig. Worry about work.
Worry about Money.
Stress about the hours that lie ahead.
Get the kids off to school.
“Phew. Thank God the kids are off to school.”
Refill coffee. Stare at phone. no dopamine.
Negative thoughts invade.
Judge people on T.V.
Scroll on phone.
“I should go do something today.”
“Shouldn’t I be doing something productive today?”
“Nah there’s nothing to do.”
“My kids don’t love me.”
“My Wife doesn’t Love me.”
“Works gonna dry up.”
“This life isn’t sustainable.”
“These dogs are annoying.”
“Fuck those neighbors.”
Numb. No thought. Then more thought.
Fuck this. I might as well clean the kitchen or she’ll be bitching that I didn’t.
Fuck this place.
“We’re so lucky and blessed.”
Try to pray. Try to find gratitude.
Take the dogs out.
Judge what I think I know about my neighbor’s lives.
What do they think about us?
They probably hate me, I should go inside.
Shut the drapes.
Stare out the windows.
Pace the floors.
Switch the laundry.
Dryer finishes. Fuck folding it. Restart the Dryer.
Stare at phone.
play a game on my phone.
Think about sending an email.
But no one wants to hear from me anyways.
“Why doesn’t anyone call me anymore?”
“They must not want to hear from me. They probably don’t love me.”
“I should call them. Nah, fuck that.”
“I will tomorrow.”
“I’m really excited about (This thing coming up)”
The things comes up.
“How can I get out of this?”
God I just wish there was something I could do.
(Finds something to do)
Instantly dreads doing anything.
We need groceries.
Bills need paid.
Car needs gas.
Reba needs her medicine.
Kids need lunch money.
Sports. School clothes. Homework. Football. Vacations.
All things I want.
All things I dread and can’t handle.
Smoke a cig in the garage.
Thousand mile stare off into the woods across the street.
Smoke another Cig.
Stare at phone.
Recline on couch.
“I’m Coffeed out.”
Switch to water or Peach Tea.
Take Vitamins. Maybe this legal self medication will help.
Check emails.
Look at phone.
Watch TV.
Intrusive negative thoughts.
Everything is falling apart.
No one wants me anymore.
I’m just a gimmick.
“Why do I feel and think like this.”
“God, please remove these thoughts from me.”
The thoughts remain.
I take out the trash.
“These kids are fucking lazy.”
Take the dogs out. Stare at the grass.
It’s getting cold.
This winter is gonna suck.
I hate living here in the cold months.
If only there was somewhere I could go.
Intrusive thoughts.
“Maybe I should kill myself”
Dude. Don’t be crazy. This will pass.
“They’re better off without me.”
“No one needs me”
“Fuck this life shit.”
“it’s a trap.”
Check bank account. ‘
“I just know I’m failing.”
“My wife doesn’t want me. My Kids don’t love me.”
It will all fall apart soon.
I bet our neighbors have better lives.
This is all too much.
I feel invisible.
People only want FROM me.
People are fucked up.
I hate a lot of people.
I have no where to go.
I don’t want to go anywhere anyways.
I should probably take something for this.
I don’t wanna take any meds.
They wouldn’t help anyways.
I should probably delete all this.
No one will read it anyways.
It’s all just stupid psychobabble anyways.
I’m not even a real author.
No one cares what I have to say.
It doesn’t help anyone.
Yes it does.
Of course it does.
Take a break. Smoke a Cig.
No one is home in my neighborhood.
They’re all out living their exciting and productive lives.
And I’m stuck here in my head again.
For the 17th month in a row.
I’m gonna go for a drive, to clear my head.
(Goes for drive) Head does not clear.
I knew it was pointless anyways.
Nothings ever gonna change.
What’s the point anyways.
I feel like shit. Not physically, but mentally, which makes it physical.
I have no energy.
I feel so blah.
I should get back into the gym.
I should go for a walk.
I should go play golf.
Why can’t I laugh?
Why can’t I feel anything?
Why can’t I stop thinking?
Tomorrow will be a better day.
I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.
Smoke a cig.
Eat some food.
Smoke a cig.
Scroll on my phone.
Compare my life to everything I see on my screen.
Judge my insides but what I see on TV.
Judge the world.
Feel nothing.
Check my bank accounts.
I know Ill be broke and homeless soon.
Do the dishes, listen to music.
Ahhhhh, the music. The music shuts it off.
Dishes are done. Time to turn the music off.
Take a shower.
Pray in the shower.
Try to cry.
Can’t.
Just feel the heat on my skin.
Stare at the white walls of the shower.
Transcend to years ago. Years from now.
Why can’t I just be here, now?
Because I’m a fuck up. Because I worry.
Dry off.
Dress.
Smoke a Cig.
No one really loves me. They just wanna use me.
Stare at my phone.
No dopamine.
Just. Stop. Thinking. Please.
I can’t.
Stare off into space.
Pet my dogs.
Smoke a cig.
Walk around my house.
judging everyone by what I see in their absence.
All I hear is the TV.
There is no one here.
Think.
Smoke.
Think.
Pace the floor.
Look outside.
Fuck this neighborhood.
Smoke a cig.
Judge the world.
judge myself.
Think
think
think
Kids are home.
fuck
More stress.
snacks.
snacks.
snacks.
Is that all these kids do is eat and cost money?
The same Hulu Commercial drones over and over.
This shits crazy.
Like a Requiem for a Dream loop or Montage.
It’s always the same.
Something stimulate me please.
Coffee?
didn’t work.
Smoke a Cig.
I hate Cigs.
I’m gonna quit.
This is my last one.
Smoke another one.
“When’s Dinner?”
Is that all these kids do is eat and cost money?
Kids don’t appreciate shit.
They don’t appreciate me.
They don’t love me.
My wife doesn’t actually love me.
She doesnt want me.
I feel invisible.
I just exist.
My phone rings.
Thank God, works picking up
Simultaneously
Fuck this.
I don’t have the energy for this.
Works up the energy to answer
“We’ve been calling about your cars warranty.”
Ugh.
Hangs up.
“Works never gonna pick up.”
Fuck this.
I’m Bored.
Nothing interests me.
If I just vanished, would anyone notice?
Of course they would. Idiot.
Quit thinking like this.
Continues thinking like this.
I know it’s all gonna fall apart soon.
They don’t really love me.
They just need me.
smoke a cig.
Fuck this homework shit.
“Do you have home work, buddy?”
“NO”
Thank God.
Stares at phone.
I wish I had chances to bond with my kids more.
(Chance comes)
I don’t wanna do that.
Stare at TV.
Watch a game.
Stare at phones.
Eat dinner.
Smoke a cig.
Smoke a cig.
Smoke a cig.
Stare at phone.
I can’t wait for bed.
I’m so tired.
I feel like I’m fighting off a cold.
Take dogs out.
Crate the dogs for the night.
Undress.
Lay in bed
Stare at TV.
Roll over.
Tomorrow will be better.
“Maybe”
Lay there thinking.
Fall asleep.
*Repeat*
Depression
Thank you very much, it helped me a lot knowledge is always welcome i’m from Brazil, but i translated the text and loved it wow how interesting.
Congratulations on the site, also know mine:
https://strelato.com
.
I have to show my thanks to you for rescuing me from such a dilemma. As a result of researching throughout the the web and obtaining recommendations which were not beneficial, I assumed my entire life was gone. Being alive without the presence of answers to the problems you have sorted out by means of this posting is a critical case, and the ones that would have in a wrong way damaged my career if I hadn’t come across the website. That capability and kindness in touching everything was vital. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had not discovered such a step like this. I’m able to at this moment look forward to my future. Thanks so much for this reliable and results-oriented guide. I won’t be reluctant to suggest your web site to anyone who needs to have direction about this subject matter.
I would like to express some appreciation to this writer for rescuing me from this particular challenge. Right after researching throughout the world wide web and seeing proposals that were not powerful, I thought my life was over. Living without the answers to the issues you’ve fixed through your main blog post is a crucial case, and those which may have in a wrong way damaged my entire career if I hadn’t come across your website. Your main competence and kindness in taking care of all the stuff was important. I am not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t come upon such a step like this. It’s possible to at this time look forward to my future. Thanks a lot so much for the impressive and sensible guide. I will not think twice to recommend your web sites to anybody who would need assistance on this matter.
My spouse and i ended up being now comfortable that Michael could complete his investigation because of the ideas he came across while using the site. It is now and again perplexing to simply always be giving freely concepts which some people could have been trying to sell. So we see we’ve got you to give thanks to for that. The most important explanations you’ve made, the simple web site menu, the relationships you assist to foster – it is everything fantastic, and it’s helping our son and the family consider that that idea is pleasurable, which is seriously fundamental. Many thanks for all the pieces!
I want to express my appreciation to the writer for rescuing me from this particular trouble. Just after browsing through the internet and meeting ideas which are not productive, I believed my entire life was over. Existing without the presence of strategies to the issues you’ve solved through this guide is a critical case, as well as ones that would have in a negative way damaged my career if I had not noticed your web blog. Your main understanding and kindness in handling almost everything was helpful. I’m not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t come upon such a stuff like this. I can also at this time look ahead to my future. Thanks so much for this skilled and result oriented help. I won’t think twice to refer the sites to anyone who would like direction about this topic.
I really wanted to make a quick word to appreciate you for all the lovely steps you are showing on this website. My time intensive internet research has now been compensated with reasonable ideas to talk about with my good friends. I would admit that many of us readers actually are extremely lucky to exist in a very good site with many awesome individuals with great plans. I feel pretty fortunate to have used your entire website and look forward to plenty of more enjoyable times reading here. Thanks a lot once more for everything.
I’m just commenting to let you understand of the fabulous encounter my wife’s child experienced checking yuor web blog. She noticed a wide variety of pieces, which include what it is like to possess an amazing helping heart to have most people effortlessly completely grasp certain tricky matters. You really surpassed visitors’ expected results. Thank you for churning out those invaluable, healthy, explanatory not to mention cool tips about your topic to Tanya.
I precisely wished to appreciate you again. I am not sure the things that I could possibly have tried without those opinions shared by you relating to such area. It truly was a very horrifying condition in my position, nevertheless finding out a new professional approach you dealt with it made me to jump over contentment. I’m just happier for the service and in addition expect you recognize what a great job you have been providing instructing people today through your webpage. I know that you haven’t met all of us.
I together with my guys have been analyzing the nice suggestions on the website and all of the sudden I had a terrible suspicion I never thanked the site owner for those techniques. All the guys had been certainly very interested to read all of them and have simply been having fun with these things. Many thanks for actually being very considerate and then for figuring out some tremendous themes millions of individuals are really needing to know about. My personal honest apologies for not expressing appreciation to sooner.
I’m also commenting to let you know of the magnificent encounter my cousin’s girl gained browsing your web site. She came to find some details, not to mention what it’s like to possess a marvelous teaching mindset to make many people with ease master a variety of very confusing matters. You really exceeded her desires. Thank you for churning out these valuable, safe, educational as well as fun tips on your topic to Janet.
I precisely wanted to thank you so much once more. I’m not certain the things that I might have done without those tricks contributed by you concerning this situation. Completely was an absolute challenging matter in my circumstances, nevertheless taking a look at this specialized manner you handled it forced me to leap for delight. Now i am happier for this information as well as hope you really know what a powerful job you happen to be putting in educating men and women with the aid of your webpage. Probably you have never encountered any of us.
Thanks a lot for giving everyone such a brilliant chance to read in detail from this website. It’s always so amazing and also stuffed with a great time for me personally and my office fellow workers to search the blog a minimum of 3 times weekly to see the new guidance you have. Not to mention, I’m just actually astounded with the magnificent information you give. Certain two points in this article are truly the finest we’ve ever had.
I and also my buddies were actually examining the good key points on your web blog and instantly developed an awful feeling I never expressed respect to the blog owner for those secrets. All the men are already for that reason warmed to learn all of them and have now truly been taking advantage of those things. Thank you for being really accommodating as well as for having certain incredible resources most people are really needing to understand about. My personal honest apologies for not saying thanks to you earlier.
I really wanted to write down a quick remark to thank you for the amazing points you are giving on this site. My considerable internet search has at the end been recognized with reasonable insight to share with my two friends. I would express that many of us site visitors actually are definitely blessed to live in a very good network with so many perfect people with interesting basics. I feel really fortunate to have seen your site and look forward to plenty of more cool times reading here. Thanks again for everything.
I want to show my affection for your kindness for those people that really need assistance with in this content. Your real commitment to getting the message all-around turned out to be remarkably good and has in most cases allowed somebody just like me to attain their aims. Your own useful help and advice can mean a lot to me and still more to my fellow workers. Best wishes; from everyone of us.
I simply had to thank you so much once more. I am not sure the things I could possibly have accomplished in the absence of the type of secrets documented by you regarding this question. It became an absolute depressing concern for me personally, nevertheless witnessing this professional manner you dealt with the issue forced me to leap with contentment. Now i am happier for this assistance and then wish you really know what a powerful job you are always putting in educating men and women by way of your websites. I’m certain you haven’t encountered all of us.
I’m writing to make you know what a outstanding encounter my wife’s princess experienced reading through yuor web blog. She picked up many issues, not to mention what it is like to have an incredible teaching style to let certain people effortlessly know selected tricky issues. You actually surpassed my expected results. Many thanks for distributing the invaluable, trusted, informative as well as cool tips on the topic to Julie.
I really wanted to type a brief word to express gratitude to you for these nice secrets you are placing on this website. My long internet lookup has now been rewarded with sensible facts and techniques to write about with my friends and family. I would assert that most of us readers are extremely blessed to exist in a decent site with very many lovely people with interesting methods. I feel very much fortunate to have used your entire website page and look forward to so many more awesome times reading here. Thanks a lot again for everything.
I wanted to draft you this little bit of note to give thanks over again with your splendid tips you’ve discussed at this time. This is quite pretty generous of people like you to provide easily just what some people might have marketed for an electronic book to help make some dough on their own, most notably since you could possibly have done it if you decided. Those principles likewise worked to be the easy way to realize that other people have the identical desire like my very own to figure out very much more on the subject of this issue. I know there are millions of more fun instances up front for individuals that look into your site.
I must express thanks to you just for bailing me out of this particular scenario. Just after checking through the internet and getting notions which are not powerful, I was thinking my life was done. Being alive without the solutions to the problems you have resolved through the short article is a serious case, and those that would have adversely damaged my career if I had not encountered the website. That talents and kindness in maneuvering all the details was invaluable. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if I hadn’t come across such a step like this. It’s possible to at this time relish my future. Thanks a lot very much for your high quality and amazing help. I won’t be reluctant to propose your web sites to any person who should have tips on this issue.
I not to mention my guys happened to be following the good tips on your web site and then unexpectedly got a horrible suspicion I had not thanked the web site owner for those techniques. These young men became consequently thrilled to read through them and have now quite simply been taking advantage of them. We appreciate you getting indeed kind and also for settling on certain exceptional themes millions of individuals are really desperate to understand about. Our sincere apologies for not saying thanks to sooner.
My wife and i were so contented Ervin could do his homework by way of the ideas he obtained from your own weblog. It’s not at all simplistic to simply find yourself making a gift of guides which other people might have been selling. We really recognize we need you to appreciate because of that. All of the explanations you’ve made, the simple blog menu, the friendships you can make it possible to promote – it’s all overwhelming, and it is facilitating our son in addition to our family believe that this subject matter is exciting, and that is quite indispensable. Thanks for the whole lot!
I wanted to create you a little remark to help thank you so much over again on the pleasing tips you have shown on this website. It was certainly seriously open-handed with people like you to present extensively what a few individuals might have made available as an e-book to help with making some money on their own, notably now that you might have done it in the event you desired. These principles also worked to provide a fantastic way to be aware that most people have the same keenness just as mine to realize way more in terms of this problem. I’m certain there are some more pleasurable sessions in the future for people who looked over your website.
My spouse and i ended up being absolutely joyous Edward managed to carry out his researching through the ideas he obtained through your web site. It’s not at all simplistic just to happen to be giving away secrets many others could have been making money from. So we keep in mind we need you to be grateful to for this. The entire illustrations you’ve made, the easy web site navigation, the relationships your site make it possible to create – it is all unbelievable, and it is facilitating our son in addition to the family consider that this content is cool, and that’s truly indispensable. Many thanks for all!
tamoxifen over the counter
allopurinol 100mg
best online pharmacy no prescription
fildena 120
retin a 0.05 cream
where can i get vermox
buy vardenafil 40 mg
levitra 10 mg
clonidine 5mg
buy lyrica