December 8

Rumination

24  comments

Sound of alarm breaks through my sleep.

Instantly, and concurrently to my becoming conscious, negative thoughts begin to swirl.

“Fuck.”

Turn alarm off.

Feet hit the floor. Deep breath in and out.

“Ugh. Okay let’s go. Let’s see what this day has in store for us.”

Walk downstairs. Take a piss. Start the coffee. Smoke a Cig.

Finish first Cig. Grab a cup of coffee. Return to garage. Smoke another one.

Fear hits. Money worries. Work stress. Check Facebook. Nothing good.

Check bank accounts. Not broke, yet.

Check emails. Back to social media.

Nothing to provide immediate dopamine.

Smoke cig.

Walk inside. Sit down. Turn on the T.V. Watch the news.

It’s all bad news. Murder. Rape. Carjackings. Bullshit Politics.

We’re all gonna die. We’re all fucked. This world is fucked.

Scroll on phone.

Scroll on phone.

scroll on phone.

Nothing to provide immediate dopamine.

Check Crypto. Still not millionaires.

“Not that it would make me happy anyways.”

Smoke a cig. Worry about work.

Worry about Money.

Stress about the hours that lie ahead.

Get the kids off to school.

“Phew. Thank God the kids are off to school.”

Refill coffee. Stare at phone. no dopamine.

Negative thoughts invade.

Judge people on T.V.

Scroll on phone.

“I should go do something today.”

“Shouldn’t I be doing something productive today?”

“Nah there’s nothing to do.”

“My kids don’t love me.”

“My Wife doesn’t Love me.”

“Works gonna dry up.”

“This life isn’t sustainable.”

“These dogs are annoying.”

“Fuck those neighbors.”

Numb. No thought. Then more thought.

Fuck this. I might as well clean the kitchen or she’ll be bitching that I didn’t.

Fuck this place.

“We’re so lucky and blessed.”

Try to pray. Try to find gratitude.

Take the dogs out.

Judge what I think I know about my neighbor’s lives.

What do they think about us?

They probably hate me, I should go inside.

Shut the drapes.

Stare out the windows.

Pace the floors.

Switch the laundry.

Dryer finishes. Fuck folding it. Restart the Dryer.

Stare at phone.

play a game on my phone.

Think about sending an email.

But no one wants to hear from me anyways.

“Why doesn’t anyone call me anymore?”

“They must not want to hear from me. They probably don’t love me.”

“I should call them. Nah, fuck that.”

“I will tomorrow.”

“I’m really excited about (This thing coming up)”

The things comes up.

“How can I get out of this?”

God I just wish there was something I could do.

(Finds something to do)

Instantly dreads doing anything.

We need groceries.

Bills need paid.

Car needs gas.

Reba needs her medicine.

Kids need lunch money.

Sports. School clothes. Homework. Football. Vacations.

All things I want.

All things I dread and can’t handle.

Smoke a cig in the garage.

Thousand mile stare off into the woods across the street.

Smoke another Cig.

Stare at phone.

Recline on couch.

“I’m Coffeed out.”

Switch to water or Peach Tea.

Take Vitamins. Maybe this legal self medication will help.

Check emails.

Look at phone.

Watch TV.

Intrusive negative thoughts.

Everything is falling apart.

No one wants me anymore.

I’m just a gimmick.

“Why do I feel and think like this.”

“God, please remove these thoughts from me.”

The thoughts remain.

I take out the trash.

“These kids are fucking lazy.”

Take the dogs out. Stare at the grass.

It’s getting cold.

This winter is gonna suck.

I hate living here in the cold months.

If only there was somewhere I could go.

Intrusive thoughts.

“Maybe I should kill myself”

Dude. Don’t be crazy. This will pass.

“They’re better off without me.”

“No one needs me”

“Fuck this life shit.”

“it’s a trap.”

Check bank account. ‘

“I just know I’m failing.”

“My wife doesn’t want me. My Kids don’t love me.”

It will all fall apart soon.

I bet our neighbors have better lives.

This is all too much.

I feel invisible.

People only want FROM me.

People are fucked up.

I hate a lot of people.

I have no where to go.

I don’t want to go anywhere anyways.

I should probably take something for this.

I don’t wanna take any meds.

They wouldn’t help anyways.

I should probably delete all this.

No one will read it anyways.

It’s all just stupid psychobabble anyways.

I’m not even a real author.

No one cares what I have to say.

It doesn’t help anyone.

Yes it does.

Of course it does.

Take a break. Smoke a Cig.

No one is home in my neighborhood.

They’re all out living their exciting and productive lives.

And I’m stuck here in my head again.

For the 17th month in a row.

I’m gonna go for a drive, to clear my head.

(Goes for drive) Head does not clear.

I knew it was pointless anyways.

Nothings ever gonna change.

What’s the point anyways.

I feel like shit. Not physically, but mentally, which makes it physical.

I have no energy.

I feel so blah.

I should get back into the gym.

I should go for a walk.

I should go play golf.

Why can’t I laugh?

Why can’t I feel anything?

Why can’t I stop thinking?

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.

Smoke a cig.

Eat some food.

Smoke a cig.

Scroll on my phone.

Compare my life to everything I see on my screen.

Judge my insides but what I see on TV.

Judge the world.

Feel nothing.

Check my bank accounts.

I know Ill be broke and homeless soon.

Do the dishes, listen to music.

Ahhhhh, the music. The music shuts it off.

Dishes are done. Time to turn the music off.

Take a shower.

Pray in the shower.

Try to cry.

Can’t.

Just feel the heat on my skin.

Stare at the white walls of the shower.

Transcend to years ago. Years from now.

Why can’t I just be here, now?

Because I’m a fuck up. Because I worry.

Dry off.

Dress.

Smoke a Cig.

No one really loves me. They just wanna use me.

Stare at my phone.

No dopamine.

Just. Stop. Thinking. Please.

I can’t.

Stare off into space.

Pet my dogs.

Smoke a cig.

Walk around my house.

judging everyone by what I see in their absence.

All I hear is the TV.

There is no one here.

Think.

Smoke.

Think.

Pace the floor.

Look outside.

Fuck this neighborhood.

Smoke a cig.

Judge the world.

judge myself.

Think

think

think

Kids are home.

fuck

More stress.

snacks.

snacks.

snacks.

Is that all these kids do is eat and cost money?

The same Hulu Commercial drones over and over.

This shits crazy.

Like a Requiem for a Dream loop or Montage.

It’s always the same.

Something stimulate me please.

Coffee?

didn’t work.

Smoke a Cig.

I hate Cigs.

I’m gonna quit.

This is my last one.

Smoke another one.

“When’s Dinner?”

Is that all these kids do is eat and cost money?

Kids don’t appreciate shit.

They don’t appreciate me.

They don’t love me.

My wife doesn’t actually love me.

She doesnt want me.

I feel invisible.

I just exist.

My phone rings.

Thank God, works picking up

Simultaneously

Fuck this.

I don’t have the energy for this.

Works up the energy to answer

“We’ve been calling about your cars warranty.”

Ugh.

Hangs up.

“Works never gonna pick up.”

Fuck this.

I’m Bored.

Nothing interests me.

If I just vanished, would anyone notice?

Of course they would. Idiot.

Quit thinking like this.

Continues thinking like this.

I know it’s all gonna fall apart soon.

They don’t really love me.

They just need me.

smoke a cig.

Fuck this homework shit.

“Do you have home work, buddy?”

“NO”

Thank God.

Stares at phone.

I wish I had chances to bond with my kids more.

(Chance comes)

I don’t wanna do that.

Stare at TV.

Watch a game.

Stare at phones.

Eat dinner.

Smoke a cig.

Smoke a cig.

Smoke a cig.

Stare at phone.

I can’t wait for bed.

I’m so tired.

I feel like I’m fighting off a cold.

Take dogs out.

Crate the dogs for the night.

Undress.

Lay in bed

Stare at TV.

Roll over.

Tomorrow will be better.

“Maybe”

Lay there thinking.

Fall asleep.

*Repeat*

Depression


Tags

#mentalhealth #trauma #addiction #help #intervention


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